| Is it over yet? |
[20 Aug 2007|05:55pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 uncomfortable |
] |
I'm tired of being pregnant. I just want to see my daughter.
The med droids say it won't be long now, but for me it can't come soon enough.
I'm hot, I'm uncomfortable, and I can't move. Obi-Wan's asleep beside me and I wonder how in the galaxy he can sleep at a time like this.
Maybe I'll try to sleep.
|
| Baby's First Shopping Trip |
[08 Jul 2007|05:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
Here I sit, nearly eight months pregnant. It's climate-controlled, but I'm always hot. I'm always hungry, I'm uncomfortable, my feet are swollen and I'm as big as a bantha. And yet, despite this I'm somehow a lot happier than I was at this point when I was pregnant with Luke and Leia. I suppose this is understandable; I was under a lot more stress then with the Senate and the Petition of the Two Thousand and Anakin's descent into darkness. In some ways, when I compare those times with now, there's almost nothing the same. I now recognize I had almost no support back then, no one I could call up or talk to when I was feeling upset. Sure, I might have been able to ring up Sola or my parents on my comlink, but during the latter stages of the war communications were restricted to emergencies only. I was too embarrassed still to face Obi-Wan, and Anakin was at that point too wrapped up in himself and his problems to be of much help. I suppose I could have spoken to my handmaidens, but somehow ... somehow I didn't feel right doing that. They looked upon me more as their employer rather than their friend, at least those that I had during that particular period did.
But now, now I have any number of people to speak to. Now I can talk to Obi-Wan, who's always willing to listen or even just be there and hold me. Qui-Gon and Annika are there too, as are Nandi and Teckla. Luke and Leia, though they can't necessarily understand what I'm saying, bring me a lot of joy. They smile at me every day, and put out their little arms for hugs, and we play happily. I don't worry about how they'll adjust to their new sister -- they have each other, after all. They're so lucky in that regard. I also don't worry about the possibility of Luke returning to Tatooine. Obi-Wan and I have decided that it's almost certainly too dangerous to send him back. What little news we have access to indicates that the Emperor is in a fury over having "lost something," and it doesn't take a genius to know that this refers to losing me. The Empire would have my son in a second were he to leave Naboo. And they'd most likely have whoever accompanied him, too.
Then there's Grace, whom I'm growing anxious to meet. I'll miss having her inside me, and feeling her kick and roll around. She's had the hiccups a fair few times, too. I wonder what sort of person she'll be. The perfect blend of Obi-Wan and I. A sister to Luke and Leia. She may even grow up to fight against the Empire, if that's her destiny. I'm scared about that possibility already, and I want to keep her beside me always. But I know I can't. She'll follow her own path.
In the meantime, we need to prepare for her arrival. That's what Obi-Wan, Luke, Leia and I are going to do today. We'll visit the same place we did after the twins were born. There's a nice playroom where they can amuse themselves while we shop. And of course, Obi-Wan can see Chris again. I'm sure that'll make him happy.
Well, I'd better go. We want to leave before it gets really hot.
(Typist's Note: This past June 16 marked the one-year anniversary of ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) naboosenator. I can't believe it's been one year already! What started as a simple fan's project has grown so much beyond its origins. I've made many new friends out of it, been led to other roleplaying pursuits and have even started writing fanfiction again, all because of this journal. I want to thank each and every one of you for your support over the past year. It's been invaluable. When I started I had no idea if anyone would care about this journal, if anyone would read it. My expectations have been exceeded many times over. And hey, even if you've never commented, I still thank you. The very fact that this journal is on your friends list says something to me. Here's to many more years!)
|
| Home Stretch |
[08 Jun 2007|05:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 okay |
] |
We're heading into the hot season here on Naboo, when the temperature rarely ventures below what would be considered a "heat wave" around your neck of the galaxy. None of us are very happy about this -- not Luke and Leia, because they're forced to stay inside lest they develop heatstroke, not Obi-Wan, who hates being cooped up anywhere for any length of time, not Qui-Gon, because we're teaching him how to swim and he quite enjoys the water, and certainly not me. It's murder being pregnant when it's warm out. Your body temperature is always so elevated anyway, and adding outside warmth is not enjoyable at all.
Even though Varykino is climate-controlled, I've been so uncomfortable these past few nights that I just haven't been able to sleep. The fact that Grace has decided lie-down time for Mom is fun-time for her doesn't help matters. It's awfully hard to get to sleep when there's a little three-pound human kicking and rolling and squirming inside you. So I get up, and I wander around, and I go over old datapads and watch Luke and Leia sleep and otherwise do busy-work. Obi-Wan often gets up and wanders around with me -- as a way of sympathizing, I suppose. I've told him he doesn't have to, but he says he enjoys it when it's the middle of the night and just the two of us are free to cuddle or talk or do whatever else we want. I can see his point, but on the other hand, I'd like my sleep, too!
The anniversary of Luke and Leia's birth passed mostly without incident. We had a small party for them, with balloons and streamers and the traditional birthday song. Nandi prepared a shuura fruit cake and some ice cream. It was fun to watch them stick their little fingers in it and try to taste it; since they've only had rice cereal and fruit and some meats up until now, the cake represented a completely new experience. I felt it was important to have some sort of celebration for them, even if it's small. I don't want them to feel that their birthday is a sad occasion. No one should believe that. I want them to grow up celebrating who they are, not tiptoeing around because other people are upset.
I'm not quite sure how Obi-Wan and I managed to make it through. I suppose it was just my insistence that the twins have a happy day that sustained us. In the evening, after Luke and Leia had been put to bed, we went into our bedroom and sat down and just held each other, each of us alone with our quiet remembrances, and yet together. The togetherness is the most important. Being with Obi-Wan keeps me whole, makes me happy, sustains me. We're a great comfort to one another, I think.
Qui-Gon's retraining is going well. He's so eager to learn, and yet there is so much to make up. I'd have lost patience with it long ago, but he perseveres and eventually is able to master what he needs to know. He is scheduled to get together with Annika tonight, which should be exciting! Obi-Wan and I will mostly leave them to their own devices, but we'll be on call if Qui-Gon should need anything. It will be a nice, quiet evening.
I'd best be off, Luke and Leia should be waking up from their nap soon.
|
| One Year |
[10 May 2007|06:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 discontent |
] |
Is it wrong of me to dread my children's birthday?
Probably. Probably there's some sort of terrible special space in the netherworld of the Force reserved for those people who aren't deliriously happy on the anniversary of the day their child was born. I try to be happy. Even when I'm not feeling great, I try to put on a brave face. I smile. I laugh with the children and I talk to Grace and I help Qui-Gon relearn what he needs to know to survive in this world. But some days I still feel like I'm hanging by a precarious thread. The grief is just under the surface. Waiting to reemerge at the most inopportune of moments. I should be so happy. I have a stable home life, I can talk to my family whenever I want, the twins bring me a lot of joy, I'm expecting another child, I don't have to live such a stressful life, and of course there's Obi-Wan. So why am I still feeling like this? I have everything I want. And yet sometimes it feels like I have nothing.
Obi-Wan understands, because he feels these things himself. He can always tell when I'm in a mood. I guess it's a certain way I move, or a particular tone in my voice. We've had some holopics taken of us in the past few weeks and even though we look very happy, there's still something in our eyes. Something haunted. Something that suggests we've seen a lot in our collective lifetimes. Because we have. And a lot of that stuff was witnessed a year ago today. I just ... there are no words, really. I've cried enough tears. I've suffered enough. And yet there still seems to be so much yet to do.
I love Obi-Wan, yes. Of course I do. But I also love Anakin. I'll never stop loving him. There's a quote in one of the Naboo holy texts: "Do you think the dead we have loved ever truly leave us? They live on within ourselves." That helps. I know I carry Anakin within me, but I'd like to see him in physical form, too. I'd like to hold him again. I'd like to see him. I want to love him, make up for what we've lost.
And yet, the fact that I now love someone else, too, in addition to Ani, that fact is inescapable. I hope he wouldn't have expected me to preserve myself, although from his behaviour later in our marriage, I can deduce that he did. But really, what does he expect? Anakin doesn't own me. I am my own person. I still have the capacity to feel. One of those feelings is love. And if I choose to bestow that love upon another man, that's my choice and my choice only.
Obi-Wan has loved me for a long time. I know he has. But, being the kind of person he is, he has also been able to step back. Step back and see that it was best for me to discover my love for him naturally. With Obi-Wan I don't feel like love is a responsibility. When I was Anakin's wife, I did. Of course, a part of me, a large part of me, was in love with him. Real, deep, true, passionate love. But another part of me, a part I didn't like to think about too often -- and still don't -- regarded it as babysitting. Anakin was physically a man, but emotionally a boy in many ways. I was the adult in the relationship and he was the child.
Obi-Wan has no such expectation. We take care of each other instead of me taking care of him. He gives me space when I need space, and sticks close to me when I need him to. I don't remember ever truly getting angry with Anakin. Well, actually there was one time. I was seven months pregnant and I hadn't had a very good day, and he came over and we shouted at each other. But that was the only time. I can get angry at Obi-Wan, he allows me to do so. He just takes it. And I know, because there were days early in our relationship when I could only stand there and rip into him, releasing all of the backhanded frustration I felt.
All that being said, I would give anything for Ani to be here. Or would I? I'm not sure. If Anakin was still alive, I wouldn't lead the life I do now. I wouldn't have gone through a lot of the pain, true, but I wouldn't have this life. I wouldn't be able to wake up every day and feel Grace, my wonderful little Grace, moving inside me. Would I trade all that?
I don't know. Oh, Force, I don't know. It's all too confusing.
I'm going to leave you with some of those holopics of Obi-Wan and I that I mentioned earlier. Enjoy.
( Under a cut to be considerate )
|
| To Catch A Body |
[27 Apr 2007|09:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pensive |
] |
Well, we're about to do it. Mom and Dad have come to Varykino to babysit the twins, because I'd never want to risk Luke and Leia on such a journey. For that matter, I don't think they want to risk me, but they understand I'm an adult who needs to make her own choices. I told them about Grace via holomessage and they're very happy, of course. I just wish I could be more confident about what we're about to do. I tried to be, so Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon wouldn't worry. But inside, I'm shaking.
I haven't left Varykino since we returned from Alderaan after what happened with Palpatine. What if the same thing happens again? I know we're only going to Theed, but let's face it, an awful lot could go wrong. The Empire might have found out about the cloning facility since it was ordered and opened. They wouldn't be able to use it, of course, since it requires a Jedi with Light Side powers to operate, but Palpatine would know what it was and would take steps to prevent it from falling into the wrong hands. And what if someone realizes I'm not Sabe, like I will claim to be? The fact that I'm beginning to be heavily pregnant helps, and that Obi-Wan has shaved. But I can think of at least a dozen more things that might happen to undermine our plans.
I guess it's just my own feelings getting in the way. They shouldn't, and I know that. But according to Qui-Gon, I'm not really quite recovered yet. Obi-Wan helps; he's a very comforting presence. It doesn't take away what happened, though. Not by a longshot. I worry about something happening to Grace already, and she hasn't even left the safety of my body. I worry about Luke and Leia too, although they're becoming more self-sufficient every day. They'll be starting to talk soon. Exciting times!
Speaking of time, it's time to go. Wish us luck. Force knows that with our plan, we'll need it.
|
| Baby Name Contest: We Have Two Winners! |
[12 Apr 2007|09:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 calm |
] |
My typist has spent all day tabulating the results, and she is pleased to announce the winners of the first-ever Baby Name Contest!
Well okay, the first part was a lie. She didn't spend all day tabulating the results. In fact she sort of forgot *kicks her* and was reminded only recently of her outstanding duty. I'll pass the floor over to her now.
It was a tough competition, guys. In fact, up until Tuesday night, I thought I would have to hold another vote, because two names were neck-in-neck and showing no signs of un-tying themselves. But a few last-minute ballots came in, and in the end, two clear-cut winners emerged.
( The envelope, please! )
And for the rest of you, don't worry. There will be other contests. Perhaps even on this journal, in the future. You never know. Hint, hint.
|
| Baby Names, Round 2 |
[04 Apr 2007|09:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bouncy |
] |
Okay! The first suggestion poll is now closed and it's time to move on to Round 2 of our little contest. There were some great suggestions, and I've taken them all into account. A couple of you suggested the same name, but those names have only been listed once. (You don't get two bites at the pie, people. :P) Also, where a name and its derivation have both been suggested (i.e., Mike and Michael), the official name has been listed.
You may vote only once (obviously) and -- this is important -- you may not vote for the name you suggested. I mean, imagine if everyone voted for their own name. The poll would come up tied, and nothing would be solved at all. So, choose any other name than the one you suggested by clicking the button next to the name. A few other little rules and reminders follow the poll. Vote away!
Poll #960616 Baby Names, Round 2
Open to: Friends, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 7 Of these names, which would you choose for a girl? Of these names, which would you choose for a boy?
Rules & Reminders
1. You have until Wednesday, April 11 at 10:30 p.m. to vote in this poll. After that time, the votes will be tallied and the winners announced.
2. The winners will receive:
~~~~one (1) year of paid LiveJournal account time and one (1) year of extra userpics
~~~~The possible privilege of seeing their name used for Padme and Obi-Wan's new baby. This depends on the sex of the baby, of course! 
3. If there is a tie, the tying names will be put into another poll and offered up on the voting table. The contest will then be carried out as outlined in this post.
4. Any questions, leave a comment to this post or contact my typist using the email or instant messaging address listed on my profile page.
Good luck, and may the best names win!
|
| The Ultrasound |
[01 Apr 2007|03:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 excited |
] |
Well, it's almost that time. Obi-Wan's just getting the med droids warmed up, for us to do the ultrasound. I can't wait. It'll be so exciting to finally see Tadpole for the first time! You should have seen Obi-Wan, he was bouncing all over the place, going utterly nuts. I finally had to tell him to calm down before he broke something.
That's not even the most exciting part. I felt the baby kick this morning! I was lying in bed, listening to Luke and Leia babble in the nursery. They love doing that in the mornings. When they wake up they don't cry or get upset; whoever wakes up first pokes the other and they start "talking" to each other. I've watched it and it's very cute. Of course, they're always happy when Obi-Wan or I come and get them, but until we show up they seem content to entertain themselves. They're such good kids.
Anyway, so I was lying in bed listening to them babbling, Obi-Wan conked out next to me. (I gather Leia had some kind of bad dream during the night and, not wanting to wake me, he went into the nursery and soothed her for awhile.) I was just thinking I should probably get up and get the day started, when I felt something small and innocuous inside me. It was as subtle and gentle as the flapping of a butterfly's wings, but it was certainly there. And I knew, from my pregnancy with Luke and Leia, that it could only be one thing.
I woke a disgruntled Obi-Wan. "The baby's moving! Here, feel." And I placed his hand on my swelling stomach while he grumbled about wanting to go back to sleep. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't actually feel anything. I know others couldn't feel the twins kicking until I was about 20 weeks along. Maybe more, I can't remember now.
But this is confirmation, if ever any such confirmation was needed, that there is once again life growing inside me. It's the most incredible feeling in the galaxy. It's so ... indescribable. I miss it a lot when I'm not pregnant. There's just something about knowing that there is actually a little life in there, a life you and a man you love very much created together. And it reminds you that you are just a speck of dust in this series of miracles that we call life.
Obi-Wan has the droids warmed up, so I'll leave you with a word from my typist.
Don't forget to submit your ideas to round one of the baby-naming contest, if you haven't done so already! (See the March 27 post if you're confused or need to refresh your memory.) Voting for round one closes this Tuesday, April 3!
|
| Baby Names |
[27 Mar 2007|06:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 hopeful |
] |
Well, now that I've entered the second trimester the idea of this baby suddenly seems a lot more real. I haven't felt him or her kicking yet, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time. With the ultrasound about a week away (we're going to activate the medical droids I got for it), Obi-Wan and I are starting to think pretty seriously about names.
Or we were, before the fight. But I hope that will be patched up soon.
This is why I'd like your help now. We have a few ideas of our own. But we just can't decide! So that we can narrow it down further, I've designed this poll. Look it over, and write the names you prefer. You can choose a maximum of three names. Since, you know, this is all about narrowing things down. ;)
Poll #955158 Baby Names
Open to: Friends, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 4 What three names do you like for a baby girl? What three names do you like for a baby boy?
My typist, in her ultra-competitiveness, has decided to make this a competition, as well. *sigh* Honestly! But she assures me that it will be as fair as it possibly can. I'll let her take the floor now.
Hey there! Padme's typist here with a couple more details. She's right, I have decided to make this into a competition -- but only because I think it would be fun. The rules are as follows:
1. In this first round, you choose three girls' names and three boys' names. They can be any name you like. Ron, Jessica, Jason, Liam, Percival -- every name suggested will be duly noted by the judge (aka me). Be as crazy or conservative as you like. But DO VOTE!! There is a reward, trust me. Voting will be closed at 10:30 p.m. on April 3, 2007.
2. In the second round, all names that have been suggested will be put together in the second-round poll. You can then vote for the names you like the best. A deadline for this poll will be announced in one week.
3. Those who first suggested the winning names (one boy name and one girl name) will win the following:
~~~~One (1) year of Paid LiveJournal Account Time and One (1) year of Extra Userpics
~~~~The possible privilege of seeing their name used for Obi-Wan and Padme's new baby. This depends on the sex of the baby, of course!
3. If there is a tie, the tying names will be put into another poll and offered up on the voting table. The contest will then be carried out as outlined above.
HAVE FUN!! VOTE!! AND REMEMBER, PAID ACCOUNTS ARE ON THE LINE!!
~~ Padme's Typist
|
|
[14 Mar 2007|10:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 flirty |
] |
Poor Obi-Wan. He's been sick for about a week now, with some mysterious cold/flu virus. I guess it's the season, but still. I hate seeing him suffer. Although I'd be remiss if I didn't admit to getting at least a small amount of perverse pleasure from watching him go through the male version of morning sickness.
Anyway, I did get concerned enough to activate one of the medical droids -- not the one intended primarily for labor and delivery, obviously! -- but the more general one. It couldn't do a whole lot, since it's just a virus. But it gave him some medication that's made him more comfortable, so I'm happy about that. I'm sure he is too.
He's still mostly bedridden, which means I've had to handle a lot of the kid care myself. I'm used to it, though. I try to be the twins' primary caregiver at the best of times, and there's some things they won't allow anyone but me to do -- like the bedtime rituals, for instance. Obi-Wan can carry Leia to her crib and get her in her jammies, but that's as far as it goes. She won't go to sleep until I've read her her current favourite story (The Little Bantha That Could) and cuddled with her for a bit. I've essentially weaned her off the breastfeeding, partially because of Tadpole but also partially because she's getting kind of old now. If it can move independently, and especially if it has teeth, I'm pretty much done.
Luke is less stringent about routines, but moving from Tatooine to here has made him especially clingy. It's just a disruption in his routine, which I can fully understand. He gets upset if he's too far from Mommy or Daddy (whom he assumes is Obi-Wan and he's really too young to be told otherwise). That's okay though. I've missed my baby boy so much, so I want him in sight almost as much as he wants to be with me.
I think Obi-Wan could use a bit of cheering up. So I've decided to do a striptease to I'm Gonna Getcha Good, by Shania Twain. I've been told that's a song from your galaxy which would be appropriate in this case. And so it would seem, when I looked up the ( Lyrics )
Should be fun! Talk to everyone tomorrow.
|
| For Obi-Wan |
[10 Mar 2007|03:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 loved |
] |
For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrongs that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through
Through it all
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when i couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
|
|
[09 Mar 2007|07:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 happy |
] |
I can't believe how much fun I've had over the past few days. It almost, almost, almost makes all the pain worthwhile. Almost. I don't think any amount of pain could be truly worthwhile -- except maybe the pain of childbirth, although even that is a stretch -- but it's nice to know that there can be some happy times as well as some sad ones.
Obi-Wan came back with Luke a few weeks ago and it's incredible, we've picked up pretty much exactly where we left off in terms of our relationship. All of us. Luke didn't seem to show any fear or shyness when I held him again -- perhaps, as Obi-Wan theorizes, my son can sense my signature in the Force and he knows, unconsciously if not perhaps consciously, who I am. I like to hope so. Leia has a more pronounced fear of strangers, although she is certainly very attached to Obi-Wan and I.
I can't believe due to the miracle of timeline messing that it's almost the twins' first birthday. I hadn't hoped or even dreamed to be able to celebrate it with both of them. Before our last trip I might've begged Obi-Wan to take me to Tatooine for the occasion, but I couldn't now. I'm somewhat ashamed to admit it, but I'm afraid to travel now. I really am. I'm afraid the Empire will find us and force me back into servitude. That frightens me beyond almost anything I could think about. So I don't want to travel anymore. And there will be a time, later in my pregnancy, when I won't be able to travel.
I think Obi-Wan was a bit surprised when he opened our closet for the first time after getting back and found a couple of medical droids sitting there, deactivated. I can't help it -- I have doubts about our ability to handle my pregnancy and the birth alone, and besides, they'll be useful for other common ailments too. We can keep them deactivated when we don't need them, and I even put in a special passcode so they can't divulge any sensitive information without permission.
It makes me feel better, and I think it does Obi-Wan too. Even though he'd never admit it in a month of Sundays.
We've been doing some fun stuff since he came back. Obi-Wan brought back a holocamera from someplace in Theed, and we took it out on our picnic the other day. He took some lovely shots of me lying in the grass, smiling and looking so at peace with this world. I've uploaded some of them to my journal -- you all should take a look.
It's nice to be happy again.
|
|
[06 Feb 2007|03:18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
okay |
] |
I haven't updated in awhile, again. I seem to be failing lately at keeping this journal up to date. I assure you I don't mean to. It's just something that happens, sometimes. Some days I honestly felt like I was forcing myself to write, and this is never a good thing. So I took a break for a little while, and I think I'm ready to continue.
Part of this, of course, has to do with the fact that when I made that last entry, I really and truly felt ... almost invaded. Qui-Gon asked me to do it, and I couldn't refuse because I knew it would eventually have to be done, but at the same time, I felt violated. Like my journal was no longer my own. Like suddenly, other people could govern what I put into it. I didn't think that was right, and I still don't. It's different when Obi-Wan writes in it because he's writing what he wants, when he wants. But if someone -- say, Qui-Gon -- were to tell him what to write in it, then I'm sure he'd feel the same as I do.
This is only my thoughts. If Qui-Gon asks me to do something like that again, I'm refusing.
The other reason I haven't been writing much lately is because of my health. I seem to be having a much tougher time with this pregnancy than the twins', and I suspect it's because of the warmer climate. Coruscant was very controlled in terms of weather and temperature, but on Naboo we don't believe in influencing our natural weather patterns. Therefore, it gets pretty hot up in the Lake Country around this time of year.
So there's that, and there's also the continuing morning sickness and desperate state of hormonal arousal which is keeping Obi-Wan and I, ahem, very busy. Sometimes I don't even notice, i.e. I don't even feel aroused, but he'll come into the room with that magic look and certain bodily symptoms which tell me I've been provoking him. It must be even more difficult because he's able to feel it in the Force, but we manage. We definitely manage.
And then there's a bit of fear, on both our parts. Speaking for myself, I know I can't get my last loss out of my mind. I'm so worried that the same thing will happen this time. Maybe not in the same way, obviously, but still. I worry that in the middle of the night I'll wake up and I'll be bleeding and that will be the end. I want this baby so much. I know Obi-Wan does too. After all, it will be his first biological child.
Whoops, my comm is dinging. Gotta go.
|
| What Happened That Night |
[22 Jan 2007|09:46pm] |
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mood |
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This is a post that I desperately do not want to make. I wish I didn't have to make it. If I had my way, I would fling this datapad down right now. I would forget about it, or try my best to forget about it.
But Qui-Gon wants me to do this. He says it's a crucial part of my therapy, to be able to put down what happened to me that night when I confronted Anakin on Mustafar. I don't understand this. I just want the past to be the past. I want to forget the way he spoke to me, that look in his eyes as he lifted his hand. I want to remember him as the vibrant person he always was. Qui won't let me. He has insisted I write this, now, when I'm safe and relatively stable. He wants me to show it to him when I'm finished. So I have no choice.
I embarked on my skiff just as the sun was setting over Coruscant. As I think I mentioned in an earlier post, I wasn't feeling well that day. My stomach was doing flip-flops, I was exhausted, and my back felt as though someone was sticking steak knives into it. I'd put on the harness Dorme got for me in the Coruscanti shopping district, and it helped a little.
Captain Typho was extremely reluctant to allow me to go. He spent ten minutes pleading with me to either not go or to allow him to come with me. I desperately didn't want that. "The fighting's over," I insisted. Then I gave him the reason I didn't wish him to accompany me. "And this is personal."
"As you wish, My Lady," he conceded. "But I strongly disagree."
"This is something I must do myself," I said, attempting to convince my soul as much as him. "Besides, Threepio will look after me." I heard the droid mutter what sounded suspiciously like, "Oh, no," as we embarked.
I guess it must have been during that time that Obi-Wan stowed away. To this day I'm unsure whether to be angry with him about this or not. Undoubtedly he saved my life by coming along; I'm not sure what Anakin would have done to me if Obi-Wan hadn't intervened. On the other hand, would Ani, my Ani, really have continued to hurt me and the twins? I don't know, and I suppose I never will. Obi-Wan's presence probably aggravated an already-suspicious Anakin. And maybe they wouldn't have fought. Maybe I could have brought him back over to the Light Side. But Qui-Gon says it is useless to dwell on the past, so I'll move on.
We flew for a few hours. Threepio did most of the piloting while I lay down in the back. But I was back in the command chair for the landing, and helped Threepio to put down the landing gear and make other preparations. It was then that I saw Anakin running out of the main mining building to meet me. It was also then that everything sunk in. What Obi-Wan had told me, the feelings he obviously had for me, what might happen to Anakin and me. I had to take a deep breath, both to quell the oncoming flood of tears and to help me get through the sudden cramps in my stomach.
Then the moment passed, and I unbuckled my belt and scrambled out of the ship to meet him.
On the surface, he looked normal. His hair, his face, his eyes, his smile, everything was how I remembered it. I embraced him tightly as he said, "I saw your ship ... it's all right, you're safe now. What are you doing out here?"
I swallowed hard. "I was so worried about you! Obi-Wan -- told me terrible things ..."
Almost imperceptibly, his face stiffened. I could only see it because I knew him so well. "What things?"
"He said ... you've turned to the Dark Side ... and killed younglings ..." I had to force the words out, so repelled was I by them.
Anakin all but rolled his eyes. "Obi-Wan is trying to turn you against me."
"He cares about us," I insisted.
"US?!" His voice definitely hardened this time.
I gulped a little. "He knows. He wants to help you."
"Is Obi-Wan going to protect you?" Anakin asked. "He can't ... he can't help you. He's not strong enough."
"Anakin, all I want is your love." I stroked his face, begging him to rediscover what we'd had together.
That smile, that smile that I'd come to know so well. "Love won't save you, Padme. Only my new powers can do that."
His new powers? "At what cost? You're a good person, don't do this!" At this point, I could sense I was losing the battle. That I was quite possibly in extreme danger, and that if I was, so were the babies. But I was not going to give up on him the way I perceived Obi-Wan had. Anakin was my husband. I loved him.
I still do.
"I won't lose you the way I lost my mother!" snapped Anakin. "I've become more powerful than any Jedi has ever dreamed of and I've done it for you. To protect you!"
Was this really all for me? I wondered. Had his dreams really affected him that much, that he would turn to the Dark Side, kill so many people, just to save me from death? Looking back on the Force connection we'd shared the previous night, I realized I already knew the answer to that question.
"Come away with me," I begged. "Help me raise our child. Leave everything else behind while we still can!"
"Don't you see?" Anakin said. "We don't have to run away anymore! I have brought peace to the Republic. I am more powerful than the Chancellor -- I can overthrow him! And together, you and I can rule the galaxy. Make things the way we want them to be!"
The truth landed on me like an anvil. This wasn't Anakin. Where was my husband? Where was the real person I had married? He had died. This ... new version had killed him, in cold blood. Some sort of explosion was taking place in my brain. I now recognize it to be an explosion of the terrible grief I felt in those next few months, and still feel now, so much, as I am typing this.
"I don't believe what I'm hearing," I gasped. "Obi-Wan was right. You've changed."
His voice was durasteel as he said, "I don't want to hear any more about Obi-Wan. The Jedi turned against me. Don't you turn against me!"
I bit my lip and did what every iota of my soul was telling me not to do. I backed away, forcing my next words out. "I don't know you anymore! Anakin -- you're breaking my heart. You're going down a path I can't follow!"
"Because of Obi-Wan?" Comprehension -- or what he thought was comprehension -- was dawning over his face.
No! my mind screamed. "Because of what you've done!" I burst out. "What you're planning to do. Stop! Stop now, come back ... I love you!"
Anakin's eyes began to blaze. "LIAR!" he screamed, staring at something over my shoulder. Or, more accurately, someone.
I whipped around. There stood Obi-Wan, his eyes blazing too, standing on the ramp of my skiff staring down at us both. He had followed me! Followed me, without my knowledge, without my consent. "No!" I yelled.
Anakin wasn't listening. "You're with him! You've betrayed me! You brought him here to kill me!"
I tried again, tried again to shout my denial, my confusion ... but I couldn't. Some kind of invisible fist had closed over my throat, and I became gradually aware that I was choking. I couldn't get any air. My chest heaved, I was gasping, but something had clamped off my windpipe. I clasped my hands to my throat, willing it to end, willing whatever was doing it to stop.
Dimly I heard Obi-Wan shouting at Anakin, dimly I realized that it was my husband doing this, choking me, his hand extended yet not touching me. I tried to feel for the Force connection, and sensed a tender thread ... tried to reach out for it, to establish that connection again ... but no sooner had I made the attempt, than it was lost, snatched away, the little sliver of good I had been counting on. Replacing it was nothing but the blazing eyes of a man I no longer knew.
My vision began to darken at the edges and my concern became for myself, but especially for the twins. They too depended on my breathing, on my oxygen, and if Anakin tried to kill me he would surely kill them as well. Silently, my eyes huge, I pleaded with him. Fine ... kill me ... but don't kill the babies ... please ... I love them ... you love them ... I know you do ...
I felt pain, I felt the strength going out of me, and that is all I remember before the world went dark.
|
| Symptoms |
[29 Dec 2006|07:31pm] |
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mood |
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Force. I like being pregnant. Just not in the first trimester.
I'm basically living in the bathroom now. That seems a little extreme, and it's true that there are times when I'm able to act like a semi-normal human being. Today I actually managed to make half of lunch before succumbing to ... well, I won't graphically describe it. You don't need that. I also just put Leia to bed, and I'm typing on this datapad.
But overall, I feel disgusting. I haven't been able to eat much today, which makes me worry whether or not the baby will be nourished enough. Having read in one of the pregnancy books I used with the twins that dry crackers help sometimes, I munched on some when I woke up this morning. Long story short, a half hour later Obi-Wan was rather rudely awoken by gagging noises. He didn't complain, though. He knows he risks getting slapped if he does, and reminded that the elementary laws of biology indicate that this is just as much his fault as mine.
He's worried, though. I know he is. When I came out of the washroom nervousness was written all over his face. "Are you all right?"
"Of course I am! It's perfectly usual for me to hack up my guts first thing in the morning!"
Avoiding sarcasm when annoyed has never been one of my strong points.
"Sorry," he muttered. "I just -- that sounded awful."
I sank down on the bed. "You can thank yourself for that, at least partially. I guess it's going to be one of those days."
"Hot, I heard," Obi-Wan said. "At least according to the HoloNet weather forecast. You'd better stay indoors."
"No problem, that's where the bathroom is," I mumbled into my pillow. If I'm not sick, I'm exhausted. Or both.
Obi-Wan started to change his clothes, and it was at this point that another strange symptom of this pregnancy became rather brutally evident.
"FORCE!" Obi-Wan yelled. "Did you just do that?"
I was too busy staring, enraptured, at his newly "erect" profile to answer anything but "Mmmmmmwhat?"
He was rubbing the back of his head as though someone had smacked him. "Nothing, just a ... huge spike in arousal from somebody. Caught me by surprise."
My head was tilted to one side and I was floating in a sort of bliss-land. "Oh! Um, right. Welcome to pregnancy. Sorry."
"Huh?" Obi-Wan looked confused.
"Um, a heightened sexual drive can sometimes be a byproduct of the increased hormones needed to support gestation," I hastily explained, blushing. "It's just -- when you started to undress, I ..."
"Oh. OH." He sort of stood there as though expecting somebody to shout April Fool! "No -- no need to apologize. This could be fun."
"Yes. I suppose it could."
Then I ran for the bathroom again.
Now I'm wavering between nausea (again), extreme starvation and wanting to jump Obi-Wan the next time I see him. For whatever reason pregnancy seems more intense than I remember it. Or maybe I just blocked it out because I wanted to forget. Anyway, if this passes -- and if he doesn't come into the bedroom soon -- I think I'll go and find him. Give him a little surprise.
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| Second-Time Bride |
[28 Dec 2006|07:39pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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Breathe Me - Sia |
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I'm now married, to Obi-Wan. How strange. If you'd told me even a year ago that this is where I'd wind up, I'd have paid your speeder fare to the psychiatrist.
A year ago I was devoted to someone else. A year ago, Obi-Wan was just a friend. Someone I'd had an accidental encounter with, yes, but still just a friend. To me anyway. To him, I was obviously something quite different. I was someone he loved desperately but couldn't be with, though he asked me many times. I loved Anakin, desperately so, and wouldn't leave him under any circumstances. Even when I thought I was pregnant by Obi-Wan. It just seemed so unfathomable.
But, as we all know, the times they are a-changin'. (I heard that in a famous song from your galaxy.) Obi-Wan is not only my husband, he's the father of my unborn child, and I do love him so very much. I still love Anakin. But he's gone now, gone and there's nothing I can do. I'm thankful I have Leia, but of course she can never fully replace him. She's a part of him, though, just as much as she's a part of me. That helps.
Obi-Wan and I got married in a simple ceremony on the balcony on Christmas Eve. It was a short ceremony, just consisted of us exchanging rings and saying I do. Oh, and Qui-Gon read a short poem.
This is what I wore -- a light blue dress with a twirly skirt and a scoop neck, showing just a hint of cleavage. I wanted something that wouldn't be too hot or heavy, since Naboo gets quite warm around Christmastime. The only thing that usually relieves the heat of the day is retiring to a room with a cooling unit or hopping in a lake. Nobody would want to wear huge woolly stuff.
Obi-Wan wore a light but dressy shirt and pants. We both would have liked him to wear his Jedi robes, but obviously even in the isolated Lake Country that's a risk we can't take. I don't think our celebrant even knew who Obi-Wan really is. (He says "was" but I prefer to think of him as still being a Jedi.) Anyway, as I said we exchanged vows and rings, and Qui read the poem, and then we kissed.
We had been planning to hold a dance party/reception of sorts, but after we had our first dance and a couple subsequent ones I wasn't feeling too well (hot and morning sickness, joy) so Obi-Wan and I sat on the couch in the living room and Qui-Gon sort of performed for us. It wasn't ideal, but I couldn't do much else.
And now we're married and expecting, all in one fell swoop. I just hope things work out for us. We could use some goodness in our lives.
|
| In with the New |
[23 Dec 2006|02:54pm] |
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It seems like I've been hit with so many new things to get used to lately. First and foremost, the news of my pregnancy, which is ... stunning to say the very least. I'm still adjusting, to be perfectly honest. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm not. I just -- oh, Force, my feelings about this are so confusing and mixed-up I can't even begin to put them in any kind of order.
I'm happy. Nervous, but happy. So is Obi-Wan. He's become very protective of me since I showed him the positive test. When I get up to leave the room he asks where I'm going, even if it's just to the washroom to throw up (again). We've begun sleeping together again, and sometimes I'll wake up in the middle of the night to find him clutching my hand nearly to the point of cutting off circulation. On one hand I don't mind, I know he's only doing it because he cares. But on the other, it's not as though I'm a bomb about to explode. I can take care of myself, really. Perhaps I've made some stupid decisions, but I intend to learn from my mistakes.
Everything that has happened over the past few days has been so unexpected, although it really shouldn't be. Obi-Wan and I have been in a relationship for quite some time now, but I wasn't sure whether he would want to take the marriage step. (I wasn't even sure about myself, and I'm still not.) And, yes, I've been feeling sick for a few weeks but as is typical of me, I denied my physical self until it had me curled up in bed unable to move. I've always been that way, and I probably won't stop soon.
And Leia -- oh, Force, she is growing and changing so rapidly nowadays! She's crawling everywhere and getting into everything. Nandi went into Theed the other day and picked up a baby safety package. It has all sorts of things designed to keep the resort safe for Leia. Cupboard locks, power coupling covers, netting for the stairs so she won't get her head caught, a toilet seat lock (heard Obi-Wan cursing over that the other night). Leia is pulling up to standing and sort of "cruising" around chairs and tables. She'll put her hands on the table and stand up on her legs, then move around by supporting herself. She babbles almost constantly now and gets upset if Obi-Wan or I leave the room and she can't see us.
With the new baby coming there will be a few changes in her life, but I'm confident she'll adjust. She's always been very resilient. Force knows she's had to deal with a lot of upheaval already in her short life. But none of it seems to have affected her. She's still as attached to Obi-Wan and especially me as she ever was. I love her more than I could ever have believed possible.
I haven't told Qui-Gon about the baby yet. I'm not sure how he'll react. Will he think we've taken it a bit too fast? We just couldn't help ourselves, I guess. That kind of thing can't be programmed. It just ... happens. Like I said. But I will have to tell him sometime. Surely he's noticed my frequent trips to the washroom.
Speaking of which ...
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| It's Not Easy Being Green |
[20 Dec 2006|07:10pm] |
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mood |
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 nauseated |
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Not feeling well today. I just hope I'm not getting truly sick. That would be awful, especially with the wedding coming up. I don't want to be sick on my wedding day. I was fortunate the first time, but I guess I may not be now. Still. I'm hoping whatever this is, it will pass. Soon. Haven't been able to leave the washroom for most of the day today, so this will probably be short. Obi-Wan has Leia.
I forgot when I was writing yesterday to talk about Qui-Gon, and how he is going to be a part of our ceremony. As a Force ghost it's obviously difficult for him to do some things, but we feel nevertheless that it's important to give him some sort of role. He's very proud of Obi-Wan, and happy for both of us. Not to mention excited. He'll escort me down the aisle, and then do a reading. He'll also serve as a witness.
Oh, Force, this illness. Whatever it is, I've got it bad. I don't think I'll be able to write much more. I just want to go and rest up and hopefully get bette
|
| Plans |
[19 Dec 2006|04:02pm] |
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mood |
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 busy |
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On Christmas Eve, I will officially be a married woman again, instead of a widow. Force, I hate that word. It sounds so dark and depressing. Well, being one is, but that's not my point. The word itself bothers me. Like because of this designation, I'm not allowed to be anyone else or do anything else or think of anything else. Like I'm just supposed to sit and sob over my spouse all day.
Not that I haven't done a lot of that. I have, and I'm still doing it. Each and every day, I think of him. I miss him. I wonder if he would approve of my choices. That's kind of silly. I know he wouldn't approve of my being with Obi-Wan. And that, I guess, has been one of the biggest stumbling blocks in our relationship. We're both constantly measuring ourselves against Anakin's standards. Invisible though they may be, they're a big influence. Every step we've taken in our relationship, every time we kiss, every time we touch, I at least am partially looking over my shouder. Wondering if he would be upset at me going off with his best friend. Or, alternately, whether he would be happy because Obi-Wan and I are taking care of each other.
I like to think he would be. I like to think that he had in his head a plan for me if something were to happen to him. Which, of course, he would have considered quite likely given that he was a Jedi and faced dangers daily. So maybe his plan called for Obi-Wan, his best friend, to take care of me in case something happened. I hope so. I truly hope so.
Our ceremony will be very small, and private. A holyman who lives in a resort near us will officiate, with Nandi and Teckla serving as witnesses. We're afraid to do it any other way. Even getting Melko Nori in on it would probably raise too many questions, especially given that according to Anakin, Melko is a friend of Palpatine and therefore informed Palpatine of our marriage (under duress, I suspect, which utterly repels me). We can't have that happen again. Leia will be part of the ceremony as well, and we certainly won't take a honeymoon. I'm petrified of traveling again. So too, I think, is Obi-Wan.
I have a nice blue dress I can wear for the occasion, and we'll probably have a mini-party afterwards with just us. I have to comm my parents and see what they want to do about Christmas. They know I'm here, by the way, and they know I'm okay. Well, as okay as I can be. But they won't know about Obi-Wan and I. I certainly don't plan to tell them.
I just hope, for Force's sake, that I'm doing the right thing. My heart tells me yes, but my brain? That's a whole other story.
|
| Dinner For Two |
[16 Dec 2006|06:50pm] |
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mood |
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calm |
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I don't want to talk about how I haven't updated in forever. I know I haven't. Things have been happening lately, things which seem far too big for just a simple journal post, or even a series of them. I want to talk about what happened last night. I want to know I made the right choice. I want to cry for what no longer is, what cannot ever be. I want ... oh, Force, I have to stop this. Now.
Obi-Wan and I ate dinner together last night, just the two of us. This isn't so unusual, in that we try to do it as often as we can. But usually Leia's awake, or I invite Nandi and Teckla to eat with us, or something else. Not last night. Last night it was just us, Leia having gone to bed early.
I entered the dining room and sat down and all I could hear was this song, playing on the holoplayer:
( Don't Let Go )
I'm not sure if I was aware of Obi-Wan entering the room and sitting next to me. Not across, but next to. He gently took my hand. "Padme?"
I smiled. "What's with the music? Trying to seduce me already?"
He coughed and blushed a bit. "No. Er, I mean, not really. Er -- kind of. I mean ... would you like me to?"
"Maybe. But I think we should at least have some dinner first," I said, giggling.
He continued to hold my hand. I could tell he was nervous about something. What, I didn't know. He was gripping my hand so tightly I couldn't budge it. "Right. Yes."
But he didn't move.
I shifted a little. "Are -- are you okay?"
Obi-Wan jumped. "What? Oh. Yes. Why?"
"Because you're holding me like you think I'll try to escape." I smiled reassuringly. "I'm not going anywhere. I promise."
"Right." He paused. "Erm, I -- I've been thinking. About something. About us."
"Yes?" I prompted gently.
He seemed to be gathering up courage. "I was thinking about ... how we're sort of together. Well, well, stupid thing to say, we are together, but, you know, making that togetherness a little more, um, permanent." Obi-Wan said the last word and flinched as though it had stung him.
I nodded and swallowed. "Permanent?"
"As in ... as in ..." He took a deep breath. "As in -- as in, will ... will you -- m-marry m-m-me?"
"What?" I choked out. Nothing could have surprised me more than this question.
"We don't have to," Obi-Wan blurted. "Honestly. It doesn't matter. I just thought I'd ask. But you can say no. Really, you can. It's okay. It's okay, no hard feelings. Really."
"No, no, it's okay," I said, extricating my hand from his and running it through my hair. "I just -- I just, wow, this is sort of a ... surprise."
"I know. I know. And I shouldn't have asked. Truly, I shouldn't have. It's -- it's none of my business." Obi-Wan was babbling now, turning bright red.
I stared at my hands in my lap, thinking. "I -- I haven't said no."
"Just tell me right now to shut my face, I won't bring it up again, it's a stupid idea and I should never have -- what?" He broke off right in the middle of a sentence. "Wh -- what did you say?"
"I said, I haven't said no," I replied, enjoying the effect these words had on him. His whole face brightened and some of his blush began to fade.
"Really?" he croaked.
I nodded. "Yes. Really."
"Yes to really, or yes to -- marriage?"
I pulled his hand towards me and kissed it. "Yes to both."
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